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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there