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Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Beautiful people are more beautiful when surrounded by ugly people
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.