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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Yeah, you go ahead and climb that mountain "because it`s there", I am going to eat this Pizza "because it`s here"................................
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.