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I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
If kindness really kills, you`ll always be completely safe around me.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"