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Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.