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Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards