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I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
There`s no rehab for stupid! ;P
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.