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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.