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" a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
Sure, I can speak Spanish... "Margarita!"
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
every woman iz beautuful n her unique way, smtimz it needs sm amount of alcohol to see with