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I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature`s way of getting you to slap yourself.
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.