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I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.