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I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?