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Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver