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If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
I wonder what Facebook employees do at work to waste time.
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
Don`t mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!