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My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
i know how to shutup.I just don`t know when.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.