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Jimmy is short for James? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. Do they even know what short means?
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
Being rich doesn`t equal happiness but i`d rather cry in a ferrari
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.