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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.