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Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
Sometimes I wish I could officially change "Hump Day" into "Smack-A-Dumb-Bitch-In-The-Face" Day.
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
you know it`s a good fart when it wakes you from a dead sleep and you pull a butt muscle at the same time.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?