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Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
This town is about as exciting as watching an M&M melt in the sun.
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.