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“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from. FML
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!