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When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..