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People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!