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Don`t do anything you`re not prepared to explain to a paramedic...
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
This job fair sucks... They don`t have one F*cking ride...
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
One of us spends too much time on Facebook.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?