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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III soley because we enjoy trilogies.
You only live once.......Unless someone has a defribrilator
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.