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Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
You know what`s more miraculous than a video with a million view but no dislikes on YouTube? The detention sheet empty for my class.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.