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Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.