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If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
You seem like a sweat person. Mind if I lick you to find out?
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.