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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
Gym update: not there
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some Iād love to punch them in the face.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
When do you take 5 hr energy? Right when I get off work ..12am!..beer here I come!
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.