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Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years. Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
It scares me when the lights go out and it`s complete darkness. The first thing I think is ... OMG I just went blind!
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
I`ve been single for a while and I have to say, it`s going very well. Like... It`s working out. I think I`m the one.