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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
The more I know, the more I forget! The more I forget the less I know! The less I know, the less I forget! The less I forget, the more I know!!!
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...