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"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
To all my friends who post Controversial, Obscene, Dirty, Offensive, and Derogatory posts, .. Keep that sh!t up. I like it....
"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?