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Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they don`t laugh either.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.