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The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.
I have always wanted to start a brand of Christian themed lollipops and call them Catho-licks.
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
morning i hate girls evening i need girls
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.