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I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside