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If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow