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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
For the record, giving someone the creeps for Christmas is technically not a gift.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.