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*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
I believe in love at first episode.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
Iām beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
Sorry for whatever I said when I was hungry.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?