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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk