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Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
Here`s an idea...You go away and I`ll stop ignoring you.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
wassup pips! :-) no i don`t mean you guys pip, get it? piping?? haaahaaa... looks like i`m the only one laughing right? well it sounded funnier in my head (-_-)
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.