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You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.