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Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
You’re not an easy person to like….I like that about you.
So when is this `old enough to know better` suppose to kick in ?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I do what I want, when I want, where I want. If my wife says it`s okay.
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
I have a friend with one eye, he`s pretty cool about it, instead of :D he sends .D
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.