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"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!!
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.