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Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
Flat screens are nice and all, but they`ll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I just found out my smoke detector comes with a warranty. WHAT FOR? If it don`t work, what`s left?
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone