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The Hobbit 2: we`ve still got a long way to walk
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
I think Iām allergic to mornings.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.