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Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
Yes, I know why you pulled me over. I didn`t see you in your little hiding spot over there, so I couldn`t slow down in time.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...