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Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook goodnight. You can just stop talking.
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
Im 6`1", blue eyes, light brown hair, fit, own my own compa......oh crap, wrong website, sorry.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.