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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
The secret to success is in my bra.
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
Apparently putting alka seltzers in my pockets while getting baptized and pretending I`m possessed by the devil is not funny.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.