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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He`s got a gun!" and then you`ll look like a cool hero.
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
When ever I think about the past...It brings back so many memories
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?