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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
Some people just need to be clothes lined
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.