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So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Does the employee manual say I CAN`T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over