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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
How can I learn to be more patient? (I`m only interested in quick-fix solutions with immediate results please)
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers