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There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.