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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
The only person whom a woman listens carefully & follows sincerely & does exactly as he says is a photographer
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
I finally got some medication for my Attention Deficit Disorder. Now if I could just remember the name of it and where I left it at.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.
I may be asking too much of this coffee.