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Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if Iām right!
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.