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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
The older the Facebook post, the creepier your “like” becomes.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
I always advise people never to give advice.
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!