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Have you hugged you bartender today.
The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
Gym update: not there
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, it doesn`t matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Well, just 8 more hours of Facebook and I can go back to bed. *phew*
am a bomb technician...anytime you see me running. Try keep it up
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.