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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
God is testing me today, but I don`t think he realizes I`m a `C` student.
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because Iām a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.