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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it`s wide use three fingers, make sure it`s wet and rub up and down. Yep that`s how you wash a cup.
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
I’m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.