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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
is admitting to pushing Humpty Dumpty, he had it coming!!
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
You know what the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you`re not in shape for it, it`s too far to walk back.
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)