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The sooner you fall behind the more time you´ll have to catch up.
My wallet is like an onion. When I open it.. it makes me cry.
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.