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I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
SPOILER ALERT for "Finding Bigfoot" TV show - they don`t find him. Again.
I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Happy New Year you guys.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"