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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
believes saying "hi" with a big smile can brighten anyone´s day ... even those who give you the middle finger for cutting them off in traffic.