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If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
so apparently there is no such thing as a St Patrick`s Santa and I`m not sure whose lap I just sat on at the mall.
is pondering why people have a favorite color M&M when they all taste the same!
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
Real friends show me their boobs
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.