Daily Silly Status

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.

"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.

It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

Is there another word for synonym?

I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.

Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.

I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.

If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men

Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.

I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.

I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.

I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!