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Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
A new study has found that women find it seven times easier to read men’s facial expressions than men have reading women’s. That’s mostly because we’re not looking at their faces ...
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.