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I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
Roses are red Your thong is pink Cover that up You`re not as hot as you think.
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
OK. If you`re so smart, what`s the answer to this question?
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
Chip clips are for quitters.
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.