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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.