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What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
I get as much action as a white crayon.
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
I just finish reading "50 shades of gray" by Sherwin Williams. I don`t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.