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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world ... to get back from a woman
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
My friend said "hey that girl has a nice butt" I said "yes i bet she can sit down excellently "
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.