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If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth