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Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. LOL. But on the up side, it is fun!! ;)
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.