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I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.