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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
Stop procrastinating. Join Hokey Pokey Anonymous today and turn that life around!
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?