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My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.